Posts Tagged ‘my journey’

The past several months have seen some great changes in both my personal and professional life. A business that I have spent a good 4 years of my life building had to be let go of. I have held a position in three different companies in the last year or so. I have felt that my whole life has been in transition for almost a year now.

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Sometimes things happen that cause the old me to come up and slap me in the face.  One of those times was today.  I use to be a very controlling person.  I know me, really?  Yes I was.  One of my favorite forms of control was passive-aggressiveness.  I would basically dare my wife to do something.  I would say I was okay with something when, in reality, I was not.  I would say things in a way that made her know I was going to give her a consequence if she did it.

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One of my biggest fears is of the unknown.  I think it is part my controlling personality.  I want to know what is coming up around the bend.  It absolutely terrifies me to not know what to expect and be unable to control it.  This is the exact position I currently find myself in.  Some major changes are happening in my life and I have no or very little control over them.  I know this is a bit of a departure from the normal posts on here but I need to get this out.  Plus I am sure I am not the only one who fears the unknown.

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I am the best liar you will ever meet.  I can convince you that I am perfectly fine with a great deal of things that really piss me off.  I can convince you that I am fine, when inside I am a screaming, rage-filled psycho.  I am however not all that talented and keeping this anger in for long.  I can lie to myself and others for only so long before it seeps out in some form.  Often it is my wife who is really able to see the anger build in me before I, myself, even know it’s there.

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Hello my name is Matthew P. and I have an anger problem.  Sounds a bit like an AA meeting or something doesn’t it?  That’s because I believe anger is just like any other addiction.  I get a sort of high from the rush of adrenaline I would get from getting angry.  I felt I had to maintain constant control of my world or it would spin out of control and I would lose my grip on all those people it tried to control.

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