Posts Tagged ‘fear’

Over the past year my life has changed a great deal.  In august of last year i had a 97% tear to the retina in my left eye. as well as two smaller tears in my right.  The doctors were able to repair the left.  This, however, has basically destroyed the vision in that eye.  I can see out of it but it is very bad with no real shape to anything or depth perception at all.  It has made it impossible to do the career I have built for myself in drafting.  So tomorrow I will be out of work on disability.

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My life feels like it has spun out of control lately.  I have had to deal with so much change over the course of the last couple years that I am having a hard time recognizing who I am anymore.  We bought a home to raise our children in back in 2013.  I thought this would be the start of our comfortable live together.  This meant, to me anyway, that we had found stability.  Then less than a year after that in August of 2014 that changed.  I had a major tear in my left retina, 97% tear!  Then there were two little tears that we caught in time in the right eye.  The doctor fixed them and I thought all would be fine.

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I was the Monster!

Posted: June 26, 2015 in Personal Story
Tags: , ,

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When Chrissy told me we were going to have a baby I was so scared. I was worried that with my anger problems and the fact that I didn’t really know my father that I would be unable to be a father. Sure my step dad was great. He was able to show me what it meant to be a good man and a good father. He was however not the person I shared half my DNA with. The person who I get half of myself and there for is also part of my children.
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I amIt can be hard to see myself as a strong or fearless or wise. I can often focus too much on my faults and shortcomings. They seem to stick out to me like red flag on my psyche.  I feel like everyone seems my weakness or my fear or my foolishness before they see me.  So I would use my anger as a way to hide this and create a facade that would look like all that I felt I was not.  I would hide my fear because it was weak to be afraid.  I would act strong because weakness was a flaw I could not allow myself to have.  I would act wise by not getting close to people and being myself, because acting foolish was not allowed.  It has taken much effort on my part to see that fatal flaw in this thought process.

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I was at the neurologist last week or so and we were talking about how to attack this problem with my vision and the pressure on the brain. He was laying out the different courses of action. I guess he could see my fear and apprehension about the whole thing. In that moment he said something that didn’t really hit me how true it was. He said “Doing nothing is not an option.”  This is something that I think applies to much of our lives.

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quote-Wayne-Gretzky-procrastination-is-one-of-the-most-common-63706I have good reason to believe that I am the worse offender of procrastination.  I will put things off, even to my detriment.  I will spend more energy to avoid doing the uncomfortable things then it would take to actually do them.  I do this in all parts of my life.  I will avoid the difficult conversations.  I will put off going to see a doctor.  I will wait until the last moment to start a project as work.  And so many more examples.  Why do I put things off until they go from mild annoyance to major problems?  There are many reasons for this.  Most of which I think are common for many people.  We are all not a different as we like to think we are.

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BrokenThis is a topic that came up in my class last night.  I was teaching my women’s class and one of them just seemed to pop up out of nowhere with this comment, “OH, So I broke up with my boyfriend this week!”  This was said in a way that made me feel there was much more to this story.  So I stopped the planned lesson for that week and felt it best to explore this further.  I ask “What brought about this sudden change?”  Now I feel it is best to explain that she has had many conversations with the group about him and his angry, controlling ways.  I do not ever go so far in my class to tell someone they need to break off a relationship, I feel that would be crossing a very dangerous line.

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One of my biggest fears is of the unknown.  I think it is part my controlling personality.  I want to know what is coming up around the bend.  It absolutely terrifies me to not know what to expect and be unable to control it.  This is the exact position I currently find myself in.  Some major changes are happening in my life and I have no or very little control over them.  I know this is a bit of a departure from the normal posts on here but I need to get this out.  Plus I am sure I am not the only one who fears the unknown.

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