Posts Tagged ‘armor’

Over the past year my life has changed a great deal.  In august of last year i had a 97% tear to the retina in my left eye. as well as two smaller tears in my right.  The doctors were able to repair the left.  This, however, has basically destroyed the vision in that eye.  I can see out of it but it is very bad with no real shape to anything or depth perception at all.  It has made it impossible to do the career I have built for myself in drafting.  So tomorrow I will be out of work on disability.

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I amIt can be hard to see myself as a strong or fearless or wise. I can often focus too much on my faults and shortcomings. They seem to stick out to me like red flag on my psyche.  I feel like everyone seems my weakness or my fear or my foolishness before they see me.  So I would use my anger as a way to hide this and create a facade that would look like all that I felt I was not.  I would hide my fear because it was weak to be afraid.  I would act strong because weakness was a flaw I could not allow myself to have.  I would act wise by not getting close to people and being myself, because acting foolish was not allowed.  It has taken much effort on my part to see that fatal flaw in this thought process.

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Hello my name is Matthew P. and I have an anger problem.  Sounds a bit like an AA meeting or something doesn’t it?  That’s because I believe anger is just like any other addiction.  I get a sort of high from the rush of adrenaline I would get from getting angry.  I felt I had to maintain constant control of my world or it would spin out of control and I would lose my grip on all those people it tried to control.

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