Posts Tagged ‘anger’

Over the past year my life has changed a great deal.  In august of last year i had a 97% tear to the retina in my left eye. as well as two smaller tears in my right.  The doctors were able to repair the left.  This, however, has basically destroyed the vision in that eye.  I can see out of it but it is very bad with no real shape to anything or depth perception at all.  It has made it impossible to do the career I have built for myself in drafting.  So tomorrow I will be out of work on disability.

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I amIt can be hard to see myself as a strong or fearless or wise. I can often focus too much on my faults and shortcomings. They seem to stick out to me like red flag on my psyche.  I feel like everyone seems my weakness or my fear or my foolishness before they see me.  So I would use my anger as a way to hide this and create a facade that would look like all that I felt I was not.  I would hide my fear because it was weak to be afraid.  I would act strong because weakness was a flaw I could not allow myself to have.  I would act wise by not getting close to people and being myself, because acting foolish was not allowed.  It has taken much effort on my part to see that fatal flaw in this thought process.

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Sometimes things happen that cause the old me to come up and slap me in the face.  One of those times was today.  I use to be a very controlling person.  I know me, really?  Yes I was.  One of my favorite forms of control was passive-aggressiveness.  I would basically dare my wife to do something.  I would say I was okay with something when, in reality, I was not.  I would say things in a way that made her know I was going to give her a consequence if she did it.

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I get angry.  Still to this day I will get angry and express it in an unhealthy way.  I may yell, throw things, or even slam doors.  Am I proud of these actions?  No.  Do I still do them from time to time?  Yep.  The worse part is I will from time to time do this to my children.  I love them but they can drive me crazy.  Here is the funny part even through all this they still love me.  They still get excited when I come home from work.  They will still cuddle up with daddy on the couch at night.

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I didn’t really grow up in a home that had a great deal of communication.  Sure we talked.  We spoke at each other more than spoke to each other.  I never really learned how to have a healthy conversation.  My home life didn’t really prepare me for how to have a disagreement in a way that could be constructive.  I had to learn all this when I was an adult.  In fact I learned it after I went to jail and was forced to learn it or lose my relationship with my wife.

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heart-650293_1280I love my children!  I tell myself this all the time.  They can be sweet, cuddly little joys at times.  Other times they make you long for calm and quite of the lower circles of hell.  I have two girls (3 and 4) and a boy (1) and they are the love of my life.  They mean the world to me.  I would do anything for them.  I don’t always like them though. 

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I am the best liar you will ever meet.  I can convince you that I am perfectly fine with a great deal of things that really piss me off.  I can convince you that I am fine, when inside I am a screaming, rage-filled psycho.  I am however not all that talented and keeping this anger in for long.  I can lie to myself and others for only so long before it seeps out in some form.  Often it is my wife who is really able to see the anger build in me before I, myself, even know it’s there.

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Hello my name is Matthew P. and I have an anger problem.  Sounds a bit like an AA meeting or something doesn’t it?  That’s because I believe anger is just like any other addiction.  I get a sort of high from the rush of adrenaline I would get from getting angry.  I felt I had to maintain constant control of my world or it would spin out of control and I would lose my grip on all those people it tried to control.

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