Archive for the ‘Challenges’ Category

i know this blog is about an angry man. I also know I want it to be about my personal struggles with all areas of my life. So to that I would like to share a personal struggle I deal with a great deal. It goes beyond my anger and control. It affects my self-esteem and my confidence. I try to hide the way I really feel by jokes and playing it off as no big deal. I am talking about my weight.

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One of my worse character flaws, as my wife will gladly tell you, is I take myself way to serious. I have a hard time loosening up and just being myself. I always feel this overwhelming need to put up a front. To have a facade for the world. I am afraid that if I show people who I truly am they will not like me. If they reject the facade then that is okay because they are not really rejecting me.

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I amIt can be hard to see myself as a strong or fearless or wise. I can often focus too much on my faults and shortcomings. They seem to stick out to me like red flag on my psyche.  I feel like everyone seems my weakness or my fear or my foolishness before they see me.  So I would use my anger as a way to hide this and create a facade that would look like all that I felt I was not.  I would hide my fear because it was weak to be afraid.  I would act strong because weakness was a flaw I could not allow myself to have.  I would act wise by not getting close to people and being myself, because acting foolish was not allowed.  It has taken much effort on my part to see that fatal flaw in this thought process.

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quote-Wayne-Gretzky-procrastination-is-one-of-the-most-common-63706I have good reason to believe that I am the worse offender of procrastination.  I will put things off, even to my detriment.  I will spend more energy to avoid doing the uncomfortable things then it would take to actually do them.  I do this in all parts of my life.  I will avoid the difficult conversations.  I will put off going to see a doctor.  I will wait until the last moment to start a project as work.  And so many more examples.  Why do I put things off until they go from mild annoyance to major problems?  There are many reasons for this.  Most of which I think are common for many people.  We are all not a different as we like to think we are.

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