Finding Myself Again

The past several months have seen some great changes in both my personal and professional life. A business that I have spent a good 4 years of my life building had to be let go of. I have held a position in three different companies in the last year or so. I have felt that my whole life has been in transition for almost a year now.

In that time I seemed to have lost myself. I think he went into hiding to protect us from what was going on. I am a creature of habit who likes to pretend to love change. I have tried to convince me that I love change because I see that as cool, or the “right” way to be a man. As I look at myself, when he comes out that is, I see that this is not the case. I am afraid of change. I see it as a death of the comfortable. A death of the known. This death scares the hell out of me.

I have over the course of the last week or so been trying to find myself. The me that is true. The me that is compassionate and loving to me and those around me. He has been difficult to find. I still have not fully found him, but we bump into each other from time to time. In my search, I think I have been meant to learn a few lessons.

The biggest one that I have been forced to learn is about impermanence. Nothing will last forever. I was certain that my business would last. My ego had been built on the fact that I had built a fairly successful FVIP class that was reaching and helping so many. Then in just a few short months, it was gone. I had to step aside both for financial and personal reasons. I was unable to deal with this. I told me that it was alright, that this was good for us. But I knew I was lying.

I have also had to deal with the loss of financial and professional success I had built at Southwire. I had worked there for almost 5 years. In that time I had found great success. My income grew and as a result, so did our way of life. Now that I am no longer with that company and no longer enjoying that level of financial reward it has been difficult for me. I have had to let go of the fact that I equated financial success with being a success as a person.

I now know that I can be successful and make less money. I am successful. I am started to be comfortable with myself again. I am learning that he is a great guy. He has his flaws, his areas that still need to be worked on, but that is alright.

I hope that this new outlook will continue and I can become an even better husband, father, brother, friend to everyone. It is not about me being better than another person, there will always be someone better, but about being better than I was yesterday. Then tomorrow I want to be better than I am today. I want to keep that going until I can see myself in a mirror and really love the person who is looking back at me.

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