Is this my punishment for seeing the world so distorted?

Posted: September 3, 2015 in Personal Story
Tags: , , ,

Over the past year my life has changed a great deal.  In august of last year i had a 97% tear to the retina in my left eye. as well as two smaller tears in my right.  The doctors were able to repair the left.  This, however, has basically destroyed the vision in that eye.  I can see out of it but it is very bad with no real shape to anything or depth perception at all.  It has made it impossible to do the career I have built for myself in drafting.  So tomorrow I will be out of work on disability.

I am sure many of you who are reading this already know this.  I am not sharing that part to get any sympathy or to have people feel bad for me.  I simply wanted to have the next part of this be better understood.  I wonder if we can do something so bad in our lives that we must be punished for it.

I was a very bad person for many, many years.  I treaded people with no regard to how my actions would affect them.  I saw them as a way to get what I wanted.  I would use them to meet my needs at the time and then discard them.  I was especially bad to my wife.  She was forced to suffer years of emotional and verbal abuse by my hands.

Now as i look through my left eye I can’t help but wonder even thought I have made so many positive steps to become a better person.  To change how I treat people.  How I view them as wonderful.  How I work so hard now to enhance so many lives.  I wonder if I now am forced to be reminded of my old distorted views of people in how I actually see them.

Is this my punishment for all the bad I have done?  Will I be forced to do my work through the reminder of my past in a physical way.  Are my constant migraines a punishment for the pain I caused my wife and so many others?

I don’t know!

I know that if I must contain to grow and become a better person who gives back through this new “normal” for myself then so be it.  I will not let this new pain bring me back to an angry person.  It will not become my new armor to protect myself from my actions.  I will still be a person who sees others as good, as caring, as trustworthy.  I will still reach out through the pain and discomfort of my vision and help my fellow-man.

If this is my punishment then I will ware it and still fight to help all who seek out my help in any way that i can.

  1. Loren McCune says:

    Matt, I don’t believe it works like that. That’s what the book of Job is about…and the first 9 verses in Luke 13. We are all sinners, whether we are really bad ones or not so bad ones. God’s sun shines on the evil and the good and His rain falls on the righteous as well as the unrighteous (Matt 5:24). If we don’t turn to God, we’re done for and if we do we can have peace – even in the midst of trouble.

    Liked by 1 person

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