Oh how a year can really change your life

Posted: August 20, 2015 in Personal Story
Tags: ,

My life feels like it has spun out of control lately.  I have had to deal with so much change over the course of the last couple years that I am having a hard time recognizing who I am anymore.  We bought a home to raise our children in back in 2013.  I thought this would be the start of our comfortable live together.  This meant, to me anyway, that we had found stability.  Then less than a year after that in August of 2014 that changed.  I had a major tear in my left retina, 97% tear!  Then there were two little tears that we caught in time in the right eye.  The doctor fixed them and I thought all would be fine.

Here it is a year later and it is not all fine.  My vision in the left eye is all but useless.  The right eye is good but not what it once was.  Sadly even where it once was in not really all that good.  Now i have a steady migraine from the eye problems.  I have spent years learning and growing in a career as a draftsman.  I work on a computer do 3D drawings.  I thought this would not change.  I enjoy it a great deal.  However now I struggle to see what is on the screen right in front of me.

Now that life I thought we would enjoy when we bought our home is slowly slipping through my hands.  The career at a great company I have been with for almost four years, I may not be at by next year.  I have believed my whole life that the measure of what makes a man is his ability to take care of his family’s financial needs.   Now it seems because of a medical problem that i struggle with every day i may soon be unable to take care of mine.

What will that mean for me as a man?  I already am struggle with the depression of the changes over the last year.  How will i find a new stick to measure myself as a man if I lose my job or am forced to take a pay cut in a different role?  I know that i teach every week to men that there are so many other things that make us valuable in our relationships.  I know this is true to my wife as well.  I am much more than a paycheck for her.  But i can not help but fear what I know is right around the next corner waiting to once again uproot and change everything.

I guess I will have to learn to really live the lessons I teach every week.  I will have to learn to find my value with something other than a paycheck.  I hope I can do that.  Right now all i want to do is curl up and let the world keep going around me.  I can’t of course I have a family that depends on me, so i keep going. I will keep going because I know giving up will never be an option.  This storm will pass.  This will allow me to grow in ways i never thought I could.  Right now it just seems to never end.

Ok my feel bad for me session is done.  Sorry for the downer today.  I just needed to get this out and off my chest.

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