A Look at Another Area I Struggle With

Posted: June 19, 2015 in Challenges
Tags: ,

i know this blog is about an angry man. I also know I want it to be about my personal struggles with all areas of my life. So to that I would like to share a personal struggle I deal with a great deal. It goes beyond my anger and control. It affects my self-esteem and my confidence. I try to hide the way I really feel by jokes and playing it off as no big deal. I am talking about my weight.

A few years ago I weighed 320 pounds. I was disgusted with myself. I had never be that big before. I know I had to make a change. So I started to eat better. I went to the gym almost everyday at lunch. Doing that I lost 30 pounds.

This was not enough for me. So I went vegetarian and hit the gym harder. In all I was able to lose 70 pounds in just over a year and a half. I felt good. My back did not hurt as bad as it once did. I have a herniated disk in my lower back. I looked good. I was being told how healthy I looked.

Then I found out I am a stress eater. I found this out because in the same year I opened my own business, we had our last child, a happy and healthy boy, and we bought a house. As you can imagine I was STRESSED!!

I began to stop going to the gym. Instead during my lunch breaks at my 40 hour job (the one still paying the bills) I would make calls or do things for my business. I was always on the run so I had a hard time eating healthy. Most nights it was a pizza or something I picked up on my way home.

As I sit right now I am back up to an astounding 325 pounds. Now that is as big as I have ever been. I hate myself for allowing this to happen. It seemed to be slow. It started as this shirt is to small, now these pants are a bit tight. I didn’t have time to step on a scale of at least I told myself I didn’t have time. In truth I knew I was getting fat again and I wanted to bury my head in the sand about it.

Now that I have allowed myself to get to this point again how do I fix it. I have to be willing to make hard choices. To make sacrifices of things I enjoy. I don’t want to come home after working all day and then teaching until 8:30 at night to then have to cook or warm up what Chrissy made. I will have to force myself to the gym. I will have to get over the self-hatred and learn to accept me for who I am. When I can do this I can make the positive steps required to grow and find I am worthy of feeling happy and healthy again.

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