It can be hard to see myself as a strong or fearless or wise. I can often focus too much on my faults and shortcomings. They seem to stick out to me like red flag on my psyche. I feel like everyone seems my weakness or my fear or my foolishness before they see me. So I would use my anger as a way to hide this and create a facade that would look like all that I felt I was not. I would hide my fear because it was weak to be afraid. I would act strong because weakness was a flaw I could not allow myself to have. I would act wise by not getting close to people and being myself, because acting foolish was not allowed. It has taken much effort on my part to see that fatal flaw in this thought process.
I am strong because I’ve been weak
I was never one to show weakness in my past. I felt to be weak meant to be needy and I could never be needy. I worked very hard to convince myself and others that I was a rock, a lone wolf, an island. I could get by on my own. I have had to for so long that I just felt this was how it was done, to be a man.
I have learned that weakness is not a flaw that must be covered up. It is not something to be ashamed of. We all have those times in our lives we are weak. They are the times we can discover our true strength. If we allow ourselves to. It is in these times where we are made to show what we have.
I am fearless because I’ve been afraid
I have much fear in my life. I am afraid of being a bad father or husband. I am afraid of being a failure in my career. I am fearful that my anger will once again take control of my life and cause me to be the person I have fought so hard to get rid of. All this fear I have slowly allowed to be uncovered and exposed.
I have for so long tried to be this fearless warrior. I am not that person. I am filled with fear about so many things. True bravery is not the absence of fear but to press forward inspire of it. I have had to really open up lately about the fear I struggle with. My wife has learned more about me in the past year then in the first nine years of our marriage. This has allowed me to be more fearless because I know she will be by my side and there to support me as I struggle with all that life can throw at us.
I am wise because I’ve been foolish
Foolish may be an understatement for what I have been. I would fool myself into believing many things about the world. It takes a real fool to believe that I could control all aspects of my world and the worlds of others. I have been a fool in how I handled friendships and who I thought was a true friend. I have been a fool in jobs where I thought I was indispensable.
I can now look back on those times in my life and see the wisdom they now offer me. I can see that each one offered me a lesson and a chance to grow. I can be wise now in the way I approach my life, either it be in friendships, career, or family. In this wisdom I can place a greater value on my wellbeing and that of my wife and children. I have gained the wisdom to be able to walk away from that which does not offer me strength of support.
I this current chapter of my life, with what seems like an endless offering of lessons and growth opportunities I am a much more stable person. I have built my base on stable ground and can now reach new nights because of it. I have let go of the lies and misleading I once build my world upon. It has not been easy to do this. I am still growing and leaning new way to become a better father, husband, and friend. Now instead of running and hiding from my flaws or seeing them as weakness I can see the growth potential in them. I want to be a wonderful, successful man and to be this I must be flawed and know my weakness.