A Personal Story about my Fear of the Unknown

Posted: May 6, 2015 in Personal Story
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One of my biggest fears is of the unknown.  I think it is part my controlling personality.  I want to know what is coming up around the bend.  It absolutely terrifies me to not know what to expect and be unable to control it.  This is the exact position I currently find myself in.  Some major changes are happening in my life and I have no or very little control over them.  I know this is a bit of a departure from the normal posts on here but I need to get this out.  Plus I am sure I am not the only one who fears the unknown.

I should start with some of the story of what is going on, I guess.  Last August I had a 95% tear of my retina in the left eye.  I had surgery to repair it.  However it was not a total success.  I have very limited vision in that eye.  That is not the part that scares me though.  After the doctors fixed it I started having really bad headaches and pain and pressure in the eyes.  This has caused my vision to continue to get worse.

I finally was referred to a neurologist to see if it was an issue behind the eyes.  So we did an MRI and found that I may have a problem with the brain area.  It was a big long medical word, basically it is inner cranial pressure.  This has caused the pain and headaches as well as the vision problems.  If I leave it untreated I could go completely blind.  SCARY!!

My wife and I accessed it and we are going the route the doctor suggested, which is a diuretic and to lose weight.  This should help the pressure.  It may not fix the vision lose I already have.  It should however stop it from getting worse.  That is fine.  I am not so scared of that part of it.  PI am overweight and need to lose some weight anyway.  It is the uncertainty of whether this will work or not that scares me.

I hate uncertainty.  I REALLY loathe it!  I’m not even sure if that is a strong enough word for it, but it will have to do.  All my life I have done things to have a level of certainty.  I used control in my relationships to get what I wanted from them.  If the control did not work I sabotaged them so they would end.

I used this method at work as well.  At one point the longest I held a job was just over a year.  As strange as it sounds this was a level of control and of maintained certainty.  If I am unemployed then I can be certain I will find a new job.  If I maintain a job I can not be sure where it will lead.

It has taken a great deal of effort on my part to even overcome this fear a little. I am still scared of the unknown. Now I have to tell myself that it is only unknown because it is new. Oddly enough I love new. I love to try new things, to have new adventures.  This is of course at odds with my fear of the unknown. It has on more than one occasion caused me to be stuck.  Both the fear of the unknown and the excitement of the new were at odds with each other.

So here I am again staring into the dark void of the unknown. Will I curl up in a ball and let my fear cause me to do nothing?  Will I use this as a new adventure and seize the chance to make necessary changes to benefit my health?  I guess time will tell. If I was a gambling man I would put my money on the latter. At least the new me would. Stay tuned as we see where this journey leads.

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Comments
  1. Loren McCune says:

    Maybe you should give God a try (or a re-try). It worked for me over 40 years ago and every day since.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Perhaps you could try changing your thinking…instead of referring to the “unknown” rename it “adventure” and you will look forward to something new instead of something fearful. Wishing you a healthy outcome.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. […] I posted in an earlier blog post I am very scared of the unknown. I am dealing with a great deal of unknown currently. I know that […]

    Like

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