The Lies We Tell Ourselves (Part 1)

Posted: April 9, 2015 in Personal Story
Tags: , , , , ,

I am the best liar you will ever meet.  I can convince you that I am perfectly fine with a great deal of things that really piss me off.  I can convince you that I am fine, when inside I am a screaming, rage-filled psycho.  I am however not all that talented and keeping this anger in for long.  I can lie to myself and others for only so long before it seeps out in some form.  Often it is my wife who is really able to see the anger build in me before I, myself, even know it’s there.

This is because I have learned over many years and decades not to see my anger.  I can spot it a mile away in others.  I can look at someone and know they are about to blow.  I know all the signs in others.  I was not able to see them in myself.  I would be yelling and slamming doors and throwing things but if you asked me I was fine.  I think this is because of how anger was role modeled for me.

Growing up anger was always expressed in this way so I just accepted that this was normal.  My parents would fight and it was never a calm exchange of ideas.  Both expressing their views.  With validation and acceptance of how the other felt.  And at the end of it we had a solution that both could agree upon.

Nope this is not the way it went.  Instead it often was a yelling match.  Each one trying to yell over the other.  Cupboard doors were slammed.  Once the climax of the fight had been reached nothing was really solved and the both would just walk away.  Neither one having really felt heard.  Both still angry but too tired to keep up the fight.

This is how I thought a relationship was supposed to be.  So as I entered adulthood and married my wife I brought this idea with me.  I convinced myself that this is what a happy marriage was going to look like.  Of course if this is what a happy marriage looked like then a happy friendship must be the same or at least very similar.

As I used more control to gain what I thought I wanted out of my relationship I thought I was happy and successful in my marriage.  Had I stopped to really examine this I may have seen this was not the case.  We were both miserable (at least I think we both were).  Neither one of us wanting to admit defeat and throw in the towel.  So we would keep the lie alive as we went through our days, months, and years in this way.

I would use guilt and be very angry if she didn’t want what I wanted. This was mostly sex on demand, no matter how she felt.  I would make her feel ashamed of wanting to spend time with friends or away from me for any reason.  Then when I made her feel guilty for it I would pull the old switch-a-roo and be fine either way.  This of course was a lie and she know it.  If she and decided to go out at this point all hell would break loose when she returned.

I have read several book that have brought to light some of my controlling and violent way.  I have discovered I had a tendency to be emotionally abusive.  This was the hardest thing I have learned through this process.

Fortunately for me, well both of us I guess,  I was able to learn to have a real healthy relationship.  I learned to validate her.  To accept her for who she is, flaws and all.  Oh and I know I have many, many flaws of my own she has had to accept.  I learned to communicate in a way that allowed her to know how I felt and what need I had.

I am by no means perfect in this yet.  I am working on it daily and know that this is what has saved my marriage.  This is what has allowed us to be happier then we have ever been.  We are now in a much healthier and mutually respective marriage that can last a lifetime of joy together.

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Comments
  1. It takes honesty and courage to peel back the layers and discover who you really are. It paid off for you and strengthened your marriage. I hope many people read this post and follow your example.A suggestion…use “relationships” as a tag word so that people can find this post in the search engines.

    Like

    • Matthew P. says:

      Thank you very much. That is my hope. I would love to show others through my example and struggles that they to can improve their lives. I will add that tag to it as well. I appreciate that advise.

      Liked by 1 person

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