Join me on my journey

Posted: April 7, 2015 in Personal Story
Tags: , , , , ,

Hello my name is Matthew P. and I have an anger problem.  Sounds a bit like an AA meeting or something doesn’t it?  That’s because I believe anger is just like any other addiction.  I get a sort of high from the rush of adrenaline I would get from getting angry.  I felt I had to maintain constant control of my world or it would spin out of control and I would lose my grip on all those people it tried to control.

This of course, as I soon found out was only on illusion.  By this I mean I never really had much control of the world around me.  I enjoyed my self-imposed delusion that I did.  The truth however is all I was doing was forcing the people around me to lie and just present me with a reality I could handle.  All I would get from them was just enough information to keep me from exploding on them.  I used anger to control my wife, my friends, even my family.

Anger was my weapon to wield to protect myself.  If I never really let people into my inner thoughts and feelings then my chances of really getting hurt were limited.  By keeping people at arm’s length it felt safe.  I would never have to be variable and chance the pain of being mocked or even worse that they would find out inside I was really a sacred little boy.   I was afraid of being judged.  I had an inner voice that was critical enough the last thing I wanted was to have the outer voices of others match what he (my inner voice) was saying.

If this happened I could be found out.  I could be exposed as a fraud.  The fear I felt of rejection could be exposed.   With anger I was making sure no one got close enough to see any of this.  I could feel safe in this would.  This, at least, was the lie I told myself.  In truth I hated it.  It was every bit as painful as the truth I ran from.  This being alone, making the world think I was a pillar of strength, that I need no one SUCKED.  It was, however, all I knew.

So trough this blog I want to expose all of theses parts of myself to you.  I want to show that I still struggle with this part of me almost daily.  That the asshole that sees the world as bad and out to get me still is alive within me.  I just now have to choose not to let him rule my life.  It is my hope that someone will stumble upon this page and see that they are not alone in their battle. That I have been there.  That I know how much it hurts to wake up every morning and feel the need to put on that armor to protect yourself.

I also know the joy that can come from taking that armor off little by little, piece by piece.  So join me as I show you with my personal story and some lessons I have learned through the years and as I still battle the with An Angry Man!

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Comments
  1. […] of how to over come your own anger. I will do it in a more personal way.  Check out my first post Here.  I hope you all enjoy […]

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