I know today is Fathers Day but I want to take a moment and share something inspired by my wife. There is a song by Stained that always makes me think of our relation. It is called “Believe”. It is exactly what our relationship use to be and currently is.

Those of you who have read my past posts know that I was and can still be a very difficult person to love and be around at time. My wonderful has stuck with me for over eleven years. This song is an almost perfect representation of what I feel about her.

I sit alone and watch the clock

Trying to collect my thoughts

All I think about is you

And so I cry myself to sleep

And hope the devil I don’t meet

In the dreams that I live through

This verse makes me think of how I currently feel when I reflect on things. If I sit a think about all that I have done it makes me want to cry. All I want is to never go back to those ways

Believe in me

I know you’ve waited for so long

Believe in me

Sometimes the weak become the strong

Believe in me

This life is not always what it seems

Believe in me

Cause I was made for chasing dreams

She always would tell me that she stayed because she would see parts of the real me peek through. I was too weak to know how to express myself in the ways I wanted to. So I would use anger and violence. Now I have been able to find the strength to be healthy or at least I am working on it.

All the smiles you had to fake

And all the shit you had to take

Just to lead us here again

I never have the things to say

To make it all just go away

To make it all just disappear

I think this one is self-explanatory. She had to fake so much and take a great deal of shit in our early marriage. And all just to get back to what was her normal everyday. I never knew how bad it really was so I never tried to make it disappear.

Believe in me

I know you’ve waited for so long

Believe in me

Sometimes the weak become the strong

Believe in me

This life is not always what it seems

Believe in me

Cause I was made for chasing dreams

Now she has a relationship that can be healthy. I now am chasing the dream of improvement and growth. I also am chasing the dream of being self-employed so she can have everything that she deserves for all the crap she dealt with. I know she feels overwhelmed but she still supports me the whole time.

Its my life

Its my choice

Hear my words

Hear my voice

And just believe

I sit alone and watch the clock

Trying to collect my thoughts

And all I think about is you

If you believe in me

Life is not always what it seems

Believe in me

Cause I was made for chasing dreams

I have taken control of my life. It is now truly mine. I am working to react the way I want. I now choose my reaction instead of allowing them to choose me. I am not perfect, I don’t think I ever will be. But with the support of my wonderful wife I know I can chase that dream… because you were willing to “believe” in me!

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I wanted to provide an update on what is going on with the opportunity I was recently given with the state. In my last post I shared what they wanted me to do. So I will take this time to update with some of the latest news.

My presentation for the state at this years conference was rejected by the state governing board. I am not to stressed over that as I still have many people at the GCFV on my side for next year. In reality this is a good thing. I was having a hard time writing the presentation anyway.

They still want to have my curriculum and training course as soon as I can get it ready. I have been spending a great deal of time on this. However I have found out that I am not very good at writing either of these. I have gone back to all the books and stuff I have on the topic of compassionate communication and been rereading them.

The problem that I seem to have is I can’t seem to focus on the small details and the ideas I want to convey. I have seen with great detail that I am a big picture type. The details are my downfall. But I will do this. I have a great deal of info in some drafts that I will be polishing up and I plan to start introducing them to my classes in the next few weeks. The goal is to see how they work and if the info is clear and having the effect I would like.

Again wish me luck!

I teach a Family Violence Intervention Program in Georgia. Last weekend the state came out to audit my class. I was very nervous about how it would turn out. I found a new way to teach the class that I had talked to the state about before. I was not sure how they would take this way of approaching the class. Turns out they love it. 

I was asked to give a presentation at the annual state conference on family violence. I us an approach call Compassionate Communication. In a nutshell it teaches people to recognize their needs and how the effect their emotions. It also helps see the needs of others and help them meet them. It is wonderful to have something I have worked so hard to learn and then implement in my classes be recognized and appreciated. 

On top of the presentation they would like me to do a one or two day class to help train other FVIP facilitators this approach. It is a great opportunity to gain greater creditable with the state and improve my business. Now I just need to write both of these lessons, the presentation and the training class. 

Wish me luck and I take what I have learned about how to find peace and happiness while meeting mine and others needs and teach this approach to others so they can help them as well. I just may be able to help a great many learn to find their own joy and contentment in their lives. 

I Am Offended By Your Offense

Posted: October 28, 2015 in Challenge
Tags: , ,

pair-707500_1280I really wonder what has happened to this country of ours.  We are offended by everything.  Not only that, when we find something offensive we find it our duty to be loud and voice it to the world.  We have to make other fit into our idea of what is right and what people should do.  The world must be bland and vanilla so as not to offend anyone.  For only then will those who find fault with difference be happy.

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Over the past year my life has changed a great deal.  In august of last year i had a 97% tear to the retina in my left eye. as well as two smaller tears in my right.  The doctors were able to repair the left.  This, however, has basically destroyed the vision in that eye.  I can see out of it but it is very bad with no real shape to anything or depth perception at all.  It has made it impossible to do the career I have built for myself in drafting.  So tomorrow I will be out of work on disability.

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My life feels like it has spun out of control lately.  I have had to deal with so much change over the course of the last couple years that I am having a hard time recognizing who I am anymore.  We bought a home to raise our children in back in 2013.  I thought this would be the start of our comfortable live together.  This meant, to me anyway, that we had found stability.  Then less than a year after that in August of 2014 that changed.  I had a major tear in my left retina, 97% tear!  Then there were two little tears that we caught in time in the right eye.  The doctor fixed them and I thought all would be fine.

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 This morning I dropped my oldest daughter off at school. Just before we got there a little girl was being dropped off by her mother. As her mother left she got upset and started to cry. She dropped an open box of snacks and they spilled out. The teacher asked her to please pick up the snacks so they could be put in the snack box for the class. This is when Piper, my daughter, looked at her with this love and caring in her eyes and said “Would you like me to help you?”  She then started to help her clean them up.

This made me realize a couple of things. First I must be doing something right with my children. Second how do so many of us lose this caring for others as we grow. We walk through our lives and see other struggle but never offer to help or listen to them for a moment. How much would it mean to someone who is going through some kind of pain, even if only short term, to know that someone cares.

On the day I have decided that when I grow up I want to be like my daughter!  I want to be there to help some one pick up a mess. I want to do it willingly and with no judgement as to why they are in that mess to begin with. I hope she never loses that compassion and love for all people. Maybe she can change the world one person at a time.

I was the Monster!

Posted: June 26, 2015 in Personal Story
Tags: , ,

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When Chrissy told me we were going to have a baby I was so scared. I was worried that with my anger problems and the fact that I didn’t really know my father that I would be unable to be a father. Sure my step dad was great. He was able to show me what it meant to be a good man and a good father. He was however not the person I shared half my DNA with. The person who I get half of myself and there for is also part of my children.
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i know this blog is about an angry man. I also know I want it to be about my personal struggles with all areas of my life. So to that I would like to share a personal struggle I deal with a great deal. It goes beyond my anger and control. It affects my self-esteem and my confidence. I try to hide the way I really feel by jokes and playing it off as no big deal. I am talking about my weight.

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One of my worse character flaws, as my wife will gladly tell you, is I take myself way to serious. I have a hard time loosening up and just being myself. I always feel this overwhelming need to put up a front. To have a facade for the world. I am afraid that if I show people who I truly am they will not like me. If they reject the facade then that is okay because they are not really rejecting me.

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